As joyful as a wedding celebration is, it can also be extremely stressful. Not only with the new family, but of course with the bride and groom planning their wedding. I have seen both extremes that can come from this type of stress. I have seen some couples manifest a lot of give and take during wedding planning, and I have also seen others almost call off their wedding because of these frustrating moments.

“To have and to hold”–how does one keep this wonderful balance? Not only as you’re planning your wedding but also for the rest of your life with your spouse?

I recently read David Richo’s The Five Keys to Mindful Loving and I’d like to share with you what he calls the five A’s:

• Attention. In a moment of real attention, we feel that we are deeply and truly understood in what we say or do and who we are, with nothing left out.
• Acceptance. In attention you are heard and noticed, and with acceptance you are embraced as worthy.
• Appreciation. Appreciation gives depth to acceptance: “I admire you; I delight in you, I prize you; I respect you; I acknowledge you and all your potential.”
• Affection. You are loved the way you are. The need for affection is fulfilled when you are loved unconditionally all the time and genuinely liked most of the time.
• Allowing. Imagine the joy we feel when someone comes along who welcomes and loves us with all our feelings.

Now tell me, of the five A’s, which do you give the most and which do you need the most? And, how do you help ease your partner’s stress during those tough times? (I know how I do it…wink wink.)

My partner Theo Bleckmann and I at his Grammy nomination ceremony in Hollywood.

That’s a very great question and the answer may be surprising. Up to today’s date, no I never have. Same sex marriage is one of the most controversial issues not only in America, but, I believe, all over the world. For me, I just don’t get it. Why is it that after doing thousands of wedding ceremonies around the world, I do not have the right to do my own?

Forget about my sexual preference and forget about my religious beliefs (by the way, I consider myself to be very spiritual), why is it that as I am in the process of planning my wedding with my partner, this means absolutely nothing legally? (Other than throwing one big, fun party with lots of new traditions?) I find myself hesitating about making my wedding public because of the reactions of others when ultimately my only goal is to make public a commitment that after 61 years of looking I found someone I’d like to spend the rest of my life with. The same as any one else.

How do you feel about same sex marriages?

I’ve been obsessing about marriage vows mainly because, in the very near future, I’ll be announcing the date for my own upcoming wedding. (This is after a very long engagement.) One of the reasons I waited so long is that I wanted to be sure about the promise of being with my partner “until death do us part.” That is one very scary statement–one I am planning to take very seriously.

My mom on her wedding day

My parents (both deceased) were together their whole lives. They both seemed extremely happy. I cannot imagine my father, after proposing to my mother, asking her to sign a pre-nuptial agreement. However, both were very poor at the time. I have seen several engagements broken off because of this issue. At times, my clients have asked for my advice on how to deal with this very delicate issue.

For me, it’s very simple: everything I own is ours. There is nothing I own that means so much to me that I am not willing to give or share it with my partner and best friend now or ever. All material things can be replaced. I have been in other “marriages” before and when they ended, no matter how hurt or angry I was, I simply gave them anything they wanted and moved on. (Of course I have never owned a billion dollars or anything close). Like I said, this is a very delicate issue and I’d love to hear your comments…

What are your thoughts on pre-nuptial agreements? Would you ask you new spouse or partner to sign one? (Boy, I hope my partner doesn’t ask me to sign one…)

This week, I want to start a new series of blog posts related to the different types of wedding vows. For example, “For better or for worse,” “For richer or poorer,” “Until death do us part,” etc.

In this series, I’d like to post my thoughts about relationships: relationships with my clients, relationships brides have with their grooms, and issues in relationships that may or may not make a strong marriage. We will talk about the intricacies of human emotions and what makes for a good relationship and a challenging one. Let’s see what we can discover together.

A tradition that started in 1981

Before my brides walk down the aisle, I have an old tradition of handing her the bridal bouquet, wishing her well, and quietly standing in the back of each and every wedding ceremony.  Very often, I catch myself privately wiping tears from my eyes hoping the rest of the guests don’t see the event designer making a fool of himself.

I find these life commitments to be extremely powerful, especially when they promise each other to be there “for better or for worse.” At 61 years old, I am still learning the joy and difficulties of an intimate relationship. I’m still learning there is never a perfect marriage but a perfectible one, that marriage is never a DONE DEAL but always A WORK IN PROGRESS, and that the joy of marriage is in the discipline of loving and acceptance.

So, how does one deal with INFIDELITY? I have unofficially interviewed couples that have been together for over 20 years and they have openly admitted that at some point they dealt with this issue of infidelity and survived it.

Through talking to them, I noticed that it is far easier to believe what makes us feel better (e.g. that my husband or wife will never cheat), and that most husbands or wives want to think their significant other will be what he or she needs them to be (or, essentially, what they promised to be).

I do know that we hold more love and capacity to forgive than we can ever give, but I must admit that I do not have the answer for this, only to say that as I grow older I have became a bit more tolerant on this issue.

What is your opinion? Would you honor your vows of “for better or for worse” and stay in a marriage if your husband or wife cheated?