My best friend of 15 years is getting married and has asked me to be her Maid-Of-Honor. Of course, I was humbled by the offer, especially since she is one of three sisters. The issue is that she and my husband do not get along. They had a fight last June where they exchanged hurtful words and he simply refuses to forgive her. I want to be a part of my best friend’s wedding and she’s made it clear that he’s invited, but he refuses to be a part of any of the activities or attend the wedding itself. He feels I should turn down the role out of respect for him and she says if I choose not to be her MOH, it will break her heart. I love them both and I don’t want to have to choose or offend anyone. What should I do?
Torn between two loves.
Oh love, you’re in a really tough spot. The situation you are in is not only a tricky one, it’s downright painful. Pushing your husband to forgive someone before he is ready may backfire and only prolong the problem while sprinkling on possible resentment. Telling your best friend you “can’t” be her MOH out of respect for your husband will only leave her feeling rejected and disrespected. It may feel as though you’re stuck between a new rock and a hard head, but there is an easy, effective way out of this mess and I advise my brides to do it all of the time: Follow your heart, do what you feel is the right thing to do and trust that those who love and respect you will continue to love you and respect your decision. Torn, I want to ask you something; what would you do if you didn’t face any “consequences” for your decision? I will take this opportunity to remind you that, ultimately, you can (and should) do whatever you damn well please.
If it is that you would be in your friend’s wedding, I suggest that you tell your husband that you respect his decision and ask that he respect yours to accept this special role. Let him know that you will continue to stay out of the rift between him and your friend and hope the two of them can work through their grievances. I suggest you do not demand he attend any events or press him to engage in conversations about it in the hopes that he will ease his stance. Simply enjoy the planning process and wedding with your best friend and create those memories between the two of you. If he decides to join in along the way, that’s a wonderful bonus. Should you choose to decline friend’s offer, I suggest that you take her out to dinner and carefully and gently explain your reasons and tell her that you intend to be there for her as much as you can and how much you appreciate the gesture. Let her know that you love her very much but feel she deserves a MOH that can give her their full attention throughout this process and focus solely on her and the tasks at hand.
Readers: What would you do in this situation? Do you agree with my advice?